The day I got let out I couldn't wait to go see our boy. It had seemed like weeks and not days since I had seen him last. Lee had said that we will go through to see him after lunch when they had done rounds. Not going to lie I was a little annoyed that he had already knew the routine of the ward and I was getting restless as I just wanted to go see my baby. I did not know what to expect or even what he would look like. Whilst I had day's just sitting in a side room to think you imagine all sorts of things, and I got myself into such a state at one point. Too much time to think is not good for any one, I found this out as time went on.
We finally got to the hospital and the little man had been put in neonatal. It wasn't what I expected it was quite a dark ward and the heat hits you as soon as you walk in. Far to warm for January. Rule of all wards, Wash and gel hands. The smell of the gel when you first use it hits you, it's pure alcohol if you have any cuts on your hands that you don't know about your in for a nice treat and wake up call.
The atmosphere on the ward was calm and I was taken a back by how nice everyone was being. Lee took me over to the incubator that our little tubby was in. He still looked to healthy to be in it. There are hole's in the side which I was allowed to put my hands in and touch him, your instinct as a mother is to pick your baby up. Being told that you can't is horrid, I would stroke his head and his hands, and then the nurses would come over and lift him out to sort his bedding. The first thing I thought was why wouldn't they let me hold him while they done this he was after all my baby. I sat and listened to nurses tell me what he had been like over the past few days and watched how he had taken to them all so well. How was this fair???
Lee had taken to his role as the strong one well, and seemed happy to help the nurses with nappy changing and knew where everything was on the ward and knew when the machines beeped what they meant, when a Dr would come and talk to us they would address Lee, look at Lee and occasionally acknowledge me. For the first time in my life I had nothing to say. I was thinking plenty but it never seemed the right time to say anything(which is not like me at all). After an hour we got told that we should go for coffee as they had bloods to take etc and it would be better if we were not in the way. So I done what I was told and off to the canteen we went. So not only did they know my son better than me but they would tell me when I had to go. I was starting to feel like an outsider and just wanted to find a corner and cry in it. I felt like I was being excluded from everything that was going on around me and I had no say or control over what was being decided. Lee seemed to be the one they would go to when they had questions, I would just sit and listen and watch there wasn't much else I felt I could do. In my head I wanted to stand in the middle of the ward and shout I am here and he is MIINE(i didn't). Talk of his surgery had started and we kept being told that we would meet the surgeon and he would explain everything to us. No-one had still really explained to me what actually was wrong with him. As we got to the weekend I quickly learnt that nothing happens and it's skeleton staff, time to relax maybe and just enjoy looking at our baby. He looked perfect. I had watched children in need and seen all the adverts of the kids that are in these hospital's and they really do look poorly. Ruaidhri didn't look anything like that, seeing a healthy looking peachy baby but being told that he is a "blue" baby and needs surgery just wasn't adding up, it didn't match. I was sure that they would come and tell us that they had all wrong and I could take him home. But as the day's went on this never happen each day we would leave him and travel back the next day.
My mum had given me a grey soft teddy when I was in the hospital and I got Lee to take it through to him so that he would not be on his own. This bear would go on this special journey with him, and would not leave him, he would never be alone.........
Our baby boy looking anything but ill, infact looking perfetly peachey and happy
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