I got the hospital in my foual mood and found the room where Lee and Ruaidhri were dressed and ready to wait on signing the forms and get the medication and clinic appoinment and spare feeding tubes. Lee looked happy to be leaving, that was until he saw my face and that changed. He ignored my mood for a little while, while he changed Ruaidhri into his going home outfit, that he had on for seconds no sooner was it on it was coming off as he had been sick on it. Great start I thought I just stood while Lee changed him. he asked me what my problem was and with that I could have really of stabbed him in the head with something. I thought did he really not know what was wrong, this was not the time or the place to have this out, he told me to put a smile on my face and cheer up. Yeah because it was going to be that easy I thought. I was thinking of some choice names that I could have called him, as just as I thought of releasing the first of many the nurse came in with a bag full of medication, tubes, tape etc. I had already had a pretty clear thought in my head who would be carrying that and who would be carrying the baby.
We said our good byes and Lee pleased as he could be with me in toll and we left the ward and waited on the lift, in silance. Lee put Ruadhri in the car and at that we were ready to go home. We sat the journey home saying nothing, I was still so cross that I could just cry with angry. Lee eventuallly broke the sileance by saying that by the time we got home he would need feeding as he had been put on a three hour feeding plan, I just carried on looking out the window, I couldnt even look at him. Why wasnt I happy I was with my two boys heading home to our very excited 3year old who was fineally getting us all together instead of having her mum and dad one at a time.
We had decided to leave Poppy at my mum's for the first night so that we could get used to his feeding plan and also how he would settle and how much of the night he would sleep. These were things that we did not know about our son, we did not know if he had slept during the night while being fed, or if he woke up, how many times a night he would need his nappy changed. Most parents of a 4 week old baby know all these things by now we were very much starting over. Lee took him out of his car seat and said he was going to go and get everything ready for his fed, and he went to hand Ruaidhri to me, that was when words came out of my mouth that I never thought I would ever say " I don't want him" (words that now i wish I could take back). The look of anger on Lee's face I told him straight Ruaidhri didnt need me and he could cope so crack on and do what you have been doing, it hasnt bothered him up to now about me being involved, he told me to stop being so rediculous and pushed him into my arms. As soon as he had his fed ready I handed him back and just sat and watched. Why could he not understand that if he was going to take over in the hospital then he would carry it on at home, thats how it works for a mother with a new born, why should this be any different. It came to bed time and Lee had sorted his basket and on what side of the bed he should be on. I said he should sleep I would do the night fed.
We got through our first night and Ruaidhri had seemed to settle in well. That afternoon we got him ready and went to get Poppy from my mum's. When she walked in the door with Pop's she was so happy to see the three of us sitting there on her sofa, she couldnt wait to have a hold. We got Poppy and off we went back home for our first night together under the same roof. Poppy just wanted to help and hold her brother, which is only natural. I tried to settle into family life and a new routine, it wasnt coming as easily as it should have. Lee done most of the feeds, I would do the fetching of nappies, changes of clothes, pukey blankets, bowls of water to wash him down with. This seemed to be working well I thought, until Lee had other idea's he would put Poppy to bed that night and I was to do the fed. I done it, it wasnt that bad and Ruaidhri didnt seem to mind too much. Lee on the other hand would point out that I was doing something not quite right, or I should do it the way he done, what did it matter as long as he was being fed, and just like that I told him to do it himself, there seemed to be so much stress in the air.
Poppy came down to the toilet and said she wanted to say night to her brother, Lee sat with them on the sofa and I took their first picture at home, it looked perfect and I felt my heart melt, but I still couldnt relax, what was wrong with me, and why wouldnt I sit with them and have a photo taken of all of us..I had a strong husband who had wiped tears from my eyes held me tight and told me everything would be alright and never once doubted the Dr's that would treat our son, Our amazing 3 year old who was taking everything in her stride and loving having her brother home, so why couldnt I enjoy all of this the same as they were..
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