A date with a pump

Not one of the most glamours post's that you are likely to read, and if like my husband you cringe at the sight of "lady adverts" as he calls them then leave now..But then my husband things women should have their own telly channel for "that stuff".

When  Ruaidhri had first got to neonatal I had been asked had I thought about how to feed him, yes I had made a firm plan and was going to stick to it, after having Poppy I knew breast feeding wasn't for me.  So it was going to be bottle all the way, or at least that's what the plan was, the nurse who stood before me had a cunning plan to change that.
I was then faced with a short tale of how breast milk was better for his digestive system and would benefit him far more, and all I would have to do is express, and with that short yet guilt ridden tale I was being led away to a dark room and handed a plastic box and handed a plastic bag with little bottles in it.  To say I was dreading what i was going to be faced with behind that door was an understatement.
The nurse sat me down and showed me a machine that to be frank wouldn't have looked out of place in a bondage magazine.  Then the words that came out her mouth so simply and like she was asking what the time was, right if you would like to get your boob out we can get you started.  I just wanted the ground to swallow me up, I know now was not the time to be shy after all I had, had a section a few days ago with people rummaging about while lee looked on.  So why did this feel such a hard thing to do. I mean we have all had one too many drinks and flashed our boobs at some point in our lives just because someone shouted "get your tits out".  So why when a nurse was asking me nicely and lets face it for a very valid reason to get my boob out did I want to run and hide, and try not to laugh at the same time.
Anyway with that I manned up(so to speak) and whipped it out and then she attached me to this machine that felt like it was trying to not only suck the milk out but the life out of me as well.  I thought these machines would be gentle, but hell no.  So once showing me again how to work it and told me to change when it got sore, I could see this being a short experience, before she left she said even if it its only a small amount its better than nothing.  Great so now I had the added pressure of hoping that I would be like Daisy the cow and produce bottle after bottle. yeah was a nice thought. When she left I thought thank god I was on my own she had left the telly on to help me relax.  Just then the door opened and in walked a women, my first reaction was to grab a top and cover up, and I whilst I am having this thought she sat down pulled out a boob and off she went.  Then it started, the small talk. She seemed pleasant enough I just felt like now wasn't the time to get to know someone.  Its a bit like when you have a smear test and the nurse/dr asks you where you are going on your holidays whilst your chuff is on show and you feel like your dignity has left the building. All I could muster was a nod and a ah right every now and again in the hope that she would feel my unease, and maybe just watch the telly, no such luck there. In the end I had to leave this situation, I would come back in 10 minute's and try again.
My second trip was even less successful and deflating, I walked in the room to be faced with a women who not only had one but both boobs attached to machines whilst doing some paper work.  My god I am struggling to do a boob at a time and there she was like a one women milk factory.  Why couldn't I do that, were mine broken, I had left more in the bottom of my coffee cup that morning than what I was able to fill in these bottles.  They had clearly been hopeful that I would be able to fill the bottles as the gave me loads. I hoped that Ruadhri wasn't planning on being to hungry, I know they said they wanted to introduce milk slowly but this was a joke.  I tried not to stress and was told that there was a pump I could borrow at the house. Ok I thought maybe if I go back our room and sit and read or something then maybe i might have more luck. The nurse had told me that anything I was able to get I should put in the freezer. Right I thought I can do this off I went. There are no telly's in the rooms so all I could hear was the machine clicking back and forth, right try and block it out, think of other things. Then I could start to see milk coming out great I thought it;s working.  In total I managed 20mls which I was feeling pretty happy with it was a start.  That glory was shorted lived. As I went down to put my efforts in the freezer feeling happier than I had done a few hours before then BOOM there she was.  Standing in the kitchen eight bottles of milk in hand with  her freezer basket toppers with boob milk.  I hated this women, I didn't know her I didn't even speak to her but she was just flaunting it, as far as I was concerned.  Did she have super boobs or something This was unfair she had enough there for the both of us. I put my shameful amount in the freezer and went back to the hospital with my head hung feeling like I was failing.  This should have been a task that was easy, we are forever being told breast is best, and yet all I was feeling was stress, soreness and like nothing was going right.  Maybe I was doing it wrong, all I knew was that I needed to keep trying if nothing for my boy.  Even if it did mean being so sore that my boobs would bleed.  I did try for a few day's but when the nurses saw how little I was handing over agreed that they would use bottled milk.  Great I thought even they think I am a failure.
Lee tried to reassure me that it was ok and that it didn't work for everyone, and bottled milk will be fine, I wished I was sharing his enthusiasm.

A few days and after being really sore and on a visit home, I had gone shopping to get some tops for the hospital, and that's when it happened.  I was about to try a top on and I felt my top was wet, yip my boobs has decided to explode milk not just one of them but two of them.  I just wanted to cry but couldn't in a shop full of people.  It was like a cruel joke that my body was playing on me why couldn't this have happened days before when I wanted it to.  I felt so rubbish and just went home and cried on my bed, couldn't even tell Lee what had happened in the shop as I just felt so useless and that I was letting him and ruaidhri down.

I would still pass that women who became known to us a super boob and I would secretly hope that her boobs would fall of one day, that would teach her.