PICU

Paediatric Intensive Care Unit or PICU for short, does put the fear of god into anyone when you first go there, it will put a tear in the eye of the hardest man and the coldest women.

The first thing that strikes you in when you walk through the double doors other than the fact I wanted to say "tonight Matthew I'm going to be"(yes inappropriate but it really does have that feeling) is the mother ship like desk at the bottom.  It's a round desk with lights and white boards was half expecting a cling on or captain Kirk to appear, or someone to shout beam me up, which trust me is nothing you want to hear on that ward.

After the ritual hand wash and gel treat we got shown to Ruadhri's cot.  Wow they really weren't kidding when they said there would be a lot of wires, i really didn't think it was possible to put that much on one small body like his.  It was dark when we got there as it was lights out on the ward.  Ruadhri was on a lot of drugs and very puffy looking the marshmallow man came to mind.  All you could hear was people whispering and machines beeping and alarms going off.  They assured us that he was ok and that they would see how he went and would start to wean him off some things during the night.  I so wanted to pick him up and hold him I knew I couldn't.  The wires and machines did scare me and the chest drain and pee bag the list seemed long and endless as the nurse explained what everything done.  We got given seats and we sat down, we couldn't really see him as he was faced towards the wall and was on a slope, but he did have his bear with him.  If felt odd just sitting staring at the top of his head.  I did say to Lee that at least this one was top free and he said it was this years sports model.  I wanted to laugh but it really did not seem the time or the place.  Have you even been so full of nerves that you just want to laugh out loud, well that's how I felt.  The atmosphere was heavy and felt full of worry and sadness, which is of course what you would expect it to be.  As we sat I looked around and there was other people sitting by their babies staring at plastic cots watching the monitors waiting for an alarm to go off. Once we had settled in it started to feel calm in there, well for me at least.  I saw the other babies who looked far worse than what Ruaidhri, the look of worry on the faces of the couple who's baby was opposite and the tears that fell from her eye's.  I wanted to go and tell her it would be ok and give her a hug.  But that would be odd and very strange and they might have panic ed or thought I was on day realise(turns out she does think that about me most of the time now). I sat and wondered what their story was and hoped it would be ok for them, as I thought that now after seeing our baby boy and knowing all had went well that we would be home any time soon and I hoped the same for them.
Mr Danton was doing the rounds with Dr Knight (cardiologist) and came to us.  Lee stood up and shook his hand there weren't enough thank yous that could be said to this man.  This stranger who had kept his word and looked after our baby and bought him back to us(the irony is he was there at the start of his life and at the end) he had told us again he was happy and did not expect any problems and that he should only be in there for two days at the most before going onto the ward.  Dr Knight was just about to explain about TOF P/A when Lee jumped in and went "it's ok i'm genned up ask me anything, I've read the book", for this being my first meeting with the man I wasn't sure if he was going to take this light hearted or be annoyed.  But give him his due he asked and Lee was right(which pains me to admit) Lee looked like a child that had just passed a spelling test. It did break the ice but still didn't feel right to laugh.  They both left us and told us to go rest and they would see us in the morning. Before he left Lee asked if they had used wire on his chest bones.  My first thought was that's an odd thing to ask why would you.  The puzzled look I had on my face must have told him that because he then told me that they would have had to of cracked his chest to get to his heart.  WHY WHY did you feel the need to bring that up now was my reply, to which he said well how else do you think they would have be able to work on his heart.  He was onto something there, I hadn't really given it much thought but that just seemed like such a violent way of doing something that was to help him.  Then Dr Knight explained that he would just fuse back together in his own time and his bones were still soft. Turns out his heart was the size of a walnut as well which again is another fact that I am sure could have been saved for another time.  Yes this is going to sound thick but in my head I just thought that his heart would be heart sized if that makes sense.  I never thought about it being like the rest of him that would grow with him.  That statement there probably tells you why the Dr's addressed Lee..I do get better as the journey goes on..Honest

As we left the hospital and walked out into the night air the sky was clear, for all it was January it wasn't as cold as it should have been, or maybe we just didn't feel it.  We both took a deep breath of the fresh air it felt like such a relief, Lee cuddled me and said right lets get a chippy.  Although it hurt to walk every step to the chip shop I wanted to do it it felt like nothing compared to what our little man has just been through.  We got back to the house and sat in the communal kitchen and chatted about the day's events and went back to how Mr Danton had strolled into the canteen and gave us heart failure.  As we sat we noticed faces that we had seen round the hospital.  It had been a long day and we just wanted to sleep, we went to our room the Oscar Rabbit room and laughed about how we would be spending the night in single beds.  Lee had posted that it was a romantic night in the Oscar Rabbit suit for us, we did laugh but the truth was I wouldn't have been any where else that night.  He lay beside me and cuddled me and for the first time that day I really believed that everything was going to be alright and that tomorrow would be a better day and we would come through whatever this was..