Hospital milestones or first if you like are not like your normal regular milestones. These are ones that are always a good sign that you may be getting released soon, and a step in the right direction.
A typical mother milestone in the hospital is when the nurses are ready for you to clean up your babies sick by yourself and change their sheets without being watched, and it really is shocking how happy you become when this day comes. So why did my firsts not happen on our first stay.
Mainly due to circumstance or as I liked to think it was a conspiracy. Due to the way the day's worked out and who was staying at what day at the hospital different things had be going on. There had been talk of being put in to a side room, which would mean one of us would get to have our first over night stay with him, which also meant one of us would get to do the first night feeds. This had all been exciting news, the reality for me though became very different.
I had headed home as it was Lee's turn to stay, I didn't really want to leave as I had got into a routine and became more confident around him and doing things for him, but at the same time I wanted to see my baby girl.
Lee's mum and aunt had been to see Ruadhri and when they came back she handed me a piece of paper, and said Lee wanted me to give this to you. I opened it up and read it, it said that Ruaidhri has passed his first hearing test. Just at that point and like he knew I had seen it my phone rang and it was Lee. He was feeling all happy with himself that this would have been a nice surprise for me to have. WRONG WRONG WRONG and yes you guessed it WRONG again. I couldn't say anything but thanks, then he went on to tell me that they had a room free and that he was just going over to the house to pack his stuff as he was going to spend the night in with Ruadhri, he said he would ring me later when he was settled on the ward.
My blood was boiling the rage I felt right at that moment was immense. How could this be happening, and mores to the point WHY was Lee ringing to rub my face in the fact that he would be spending his first night with him. Was it not enough that he had travelled to Yorkhill in the ambulance with him, was it not enough that he had changed the first nappy, that HE had done the first bath, but now in the matter of hours he had also done the first hearing test, was about to embark on the first night feeds and overnight stay with him. Those should have been things that I was doing.(yes this was the start of the crazy setting in). I phoned my mum to tell her of this outrage that had happened in the few hours of me leaving the hospital, her reply was it's just the way it has happened, it's all a good sign and thats what you need to think, its not about who does what first. Well I could see I wasnt going to get anywhere with this phone call, as she couldnt see how this was wrong. The next little while I sat and worked myself up even more, why was it so important that I thought it should be me that done all the firsts, Lee was his dad it why shouldnt he be there and do these milestones. Lee had been texting me but I couldnt think of anything nice or positive to say to him, so I left it. After a few hours he rang me to tell me that Ruaidhri was settled for the night, that he had done his first feed and all went well. He sounded so pleased with himself and happy that the word discharge had been menionted for thhe first time, and how he was going to go get his head down before his next feed. Why couldnt I have just been a normal wife and be happy for him that he was having this special time with his son. Instead I told him that I was bringing Poppy to the hospital tomrrow and I would be staying and he would come home.
The next morning I woke up on a mission and a crappy mood hung over me,I was showered and getting ready, when my phone rang it was Lee. He sounded tired but was happy, he said he had some great news Ruaidhri was getting discharged today and that I should bring the car seat with me. He was so pleased that this day was here, he said it had been the first thing that the Dr had told him this morning. The red mist or fog as it had become was back, I told him I would see him in a bit and put the phone down. Why was I so angry, why could I not just be happy this is the day we had all wanted, our first night together as a family all under the same roof. Yet I couldnt get past what had happened and that I had missed some important stages and milestones. Why was I so hung up on this that I knew it would over spill to when I got to the hospital and would put a damper on this day, but it wasnt for shiffting, it started to feel that maybe mum's dont need to be there for these stages, that dad's can do an equally good job and bond in those special moments, but all I wanted to do was scream and shout at Lee for taking these things away from me.
Little did I know just how many other hospital related milestones and firsst I would embark on with his journery and how much Lee would miss. Had I know maybe I would have just gone with the flow instead of crazy, unstable emotional nutter that I was about to become.
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