Lee had gone for a smoke and for some fresh air, i know those two don't belong in the same sentence never mind. I was left in the canteen wondering what to do and how to pass the hours that followed. We had been told that give or take he should only been away for 6 hours, ok I thought that's not too long, and looking back now was far less than his last surgery, but that's another story.
There was plenty of people about chatting but I just felt like I might as well have been the only one in there. I was at a loss and even in a hospital full of parents and children going through stuff I still felt like I was the only this had happened to. I decided then that, that is not the case and I would prove that to myself. So whilst having a coffee I went onto face book and searched children with heart problems, and just like that I had a list before me. There was one in particular that jumped out from the rest "heart mummies for Scotland" great I thought. I sent a request and just like that I had been added into something new, a hole new world of people who would know and understand what life was going to be like and who had been going through their own journeys and yet still found time to show concern for mine. I left a short post saying that my 6 day old was going for surgery and within minutes I had these mum's wishing me luck and praying for a speedy recovery. I was over whelmed, it was a strange feeling to have these ladies show so much support and concern when all they knew me from was a short post. I sat and read through some of the posts on the page and as I was reading my first reaction was these things are really happening to people, families are really going through the mill. I was reading about blue spells and feeding problems and sleepless nights and bad sweats, bruising easily and problems with medication. It really did not seem real. We had been told none of this, is this what we would face, would we be going through the same problems. We had been told that once the shunt was in place the blood flow would be better and he wouldn't need surgery for at least two years after that and he would have a normal quality of life. But that didn't add up to what I was seeing before me on a page. Was I really that naive to think that once we were home and away from the hospital that life would just be like it had with Poppy and how it should be taking a new born home. But then I thought why wont Ruaidhri have a normal life and be like any other new born, his condition didn't seem half as bad as the ones I was reading about. We kept being told that TOF was one of the more common CHD's so I sat in that bubble and believed that he really would be "normal" when it came to take him home(how wrong I was). We knew that his heart could never be fixed that they would just keep mending it to improve his quality of life and there had been talk of when he was an adult of a heart transplant but my brain wasn't thinking that far ahead. So I done what any other emotionally unstable mother would do and closed the page and thought nope that's not going to us. ( Even just writing that and thinking back I really did believe that, and if I could go back I wouldn't have closed myself off from it all, I wished that I had embraced it instead of trying to run from it)
The hours passed and we drank more rubbish coffee and then we got told that we could go collect our key for the Ronald McDonald house as we had been given a room, which was great. Had no idea what to expect, we arrived and got showed round and told were everything was and read and signed the rules. We dropped our bags and went back over the road to the hospital you know just in case. The day dragged and I kept thinking about the posts I had read..Did I tell Lee that I had found this group or was it took much for him to take in telling him that there are lot of families who have done and will be doing what we are. Would he think I was jumping the gun and thinking for the worst to happen. For now I just kept it to myself it would be my thing for now. We made phones all day and text people to say that we had heard nothing and were still waiting. We knew he would be going into the paediatric intensive care unit (PICU) and we had been told that he will look worse than what he was and there would be lots of monitors and wires but to keep in mind that everything was doing something. Lee had said that at some point we would meet with a cardiac nurse who would explain things to us and answer any questions we had. Lee had been given a book that explained the main group of CHD's which he read and read and read some more, he was determined to know everything there was and he was even set for the Dr to give him a pop quiz. He called it being on the ball I called it annoying. Because he was in the Navy and was a helicopter doctor (engineer) he thought that it was the pretty much the same thing in a round about kinda way, and that fixing a heart was the same as plumbing..Hmmmm yeah, don't really fancy the thought of a plumber doing ohs(open heart surgery).
We sat and he was telling me everything there was to know, he had googled everything he wanted to know including the surgeon, he was determined that he would know everything there was to know even down to the type of shunt he was going to have. It was a gortext one, so now in my head I have a picture of a gortext garden hose being put into my son's chest, and I do actually the width and everything. Lee just looked at me and rolled his eye's, we did have a chuckle over it. I did say to him some times knowing too much can be just as bad as knowing nothing.
It seemed that we were in two different places, he was being head strong and sensible and I just wanted to lie in bed with the covers pulled over my head and pretend that all this was a nightmare and that if i woke up it would all go away.
It got to after six and that time that we had to eat whatever delights were being dished up, as we sat playing with our dinners because lets face it anything has to be better than eating it. Just then we saw a man in scrubs walking towards us, I was thinking I know his face...Yip it was Mr Danton, Lee and I looked at each other and he took my hand and squeezed it, my heart dropped and I wanted to be sick why wasn't he in theatre with Ruaidhri why was he here. He must have seen the look of fear and dread that we had and he told us that it had all gone to plan and the way he had wanted and he was happy. He told us that they were just getting ready to move him to PICU and then we could go see him. Thank god, we both let out a huge breath, Lee said see told you it would be ok. After Mr Danton walked away we laughed as we watched him get his coffee and a cake that in our eyes he had well and truly earned and some. He said he would see us up there in a bit.
A bit to you and me would be 45 to 50 minutes at most, not in yorkhill that means three hours time. What he had failed to tell us is how long it takes for them to take him to PICU and that they would shut the ward down etc. So we waited and waited then started to panic after two hours, and then the phone rang, those words that every parent waits to hear, you can come and see him now. (you will start to see a pattern with waiting for phone calls that you want and the ones you don't and lots of waiting). I couldn't wait I was nervous and excited and yes wanted cry some more(again there is a lot of this going to happen), I thought we are closer to getting him home were he belongs.
Lee was more excited at the prospect of telling the Dr's about his heart knowledge and get them to ask any question. He had learnt both of Ruadhir's conditions whilst waiting that day. If they had offered him a sticker he would have taken it. He really is a geek.
So hand in hand on the eve of our wedding anniversary we made our way to the 2nd floor and pushed the buzzer and waited as I faced being giving the best anniversary present in the world, seeing my baby boy and knowing that his surgery had been a success. There wasn't enough leather or crystal in the world that would have given me the same feeling (that's what you get on the 3rd year).
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