D Day

Ok so it's Monday 30th January 2012 and the day that I have spent most of the night before dreading and wondering how the day was going to go.  Lee and I were up and about early as we  had been told the night before to be at the hospital by 0730 so that we had time with him as no-one was sure where on the list you would be.

It was an odd start to the day as when we woke up Lee wished me happy anniversary, and then the next conversation was about the surgery. I shuffled about getting ready and still going at a snails pace and too scared to sneeze in case I popped a stitch, which I have to say I had always taken for granted until I had the pleasure of having a section.  I just wanted to get going and get to Glasgow as soon as we could.  We put the bags in the car still not sure of anything that we had packed and even if we had enough, and off we set.

We made small talk in the car in the hope it would get us there quicker, it didnt.  Lee was pretty clued up on what was going to happen as he had looked it up on the Internet, (sometimes the Internet is not your friend let me tell you)which of course the hospital tell you not to do as you will freak out.  Lee said it was maybe better if I didn't look for now as I would more than likely freak out more than what I already was.  The drive seemed to take for ages but all the way I had the song "Sunshine on Leith" going round in my head, which for who knows what reason is the song that I had had stuck in my head since having Ruaidhri. We chatted about  what we thought the surgeon would be like and what he would tell us, as today was the day that we were finally going to be able to put a face to the name of the man that people kept talking to us about.

We arrived at the hospital and pushed the lift button, these lifts are the most unreliable and useless lifts that I have ever had the misfortune to have come into contact with, and with that we took the stairs, I wanted to get to our baby and if it meant feeling the pain then so be it.  Waiting on the lift there would have felt like a week and it was always a gamble as to how many times you would go down to the basement before actually getting to the floor you wanted, that is of course if the lift stops at that floor.  This morning was not one for gambling.

We get to the ward and there he is our peachy baby boy so unaware of what his morning was going to entail. They told us that they had taken some bloods and had some on order for a transfusion should he need it and that someone would be along in a bit to tell us what was happening and get us to sign the consent forms to say that we agree and allow the surgery to go ahead, (because we had a choice).  So we thought right that's good things are happening and the ball is rolling.  Wrong, yet again we had to wait and wait and wait some more. They do like to keep you waiting.  At least if they are going to keep making us wait get some decent chairs.

About an hour later the nurse asked if i would like to have a hold of him and have a cuddle before they got him ready for surgery.  Like I was going to say no to that.  Bring it on let me finally hold our baby and have some human contact with him that does not involve a plastic container in between us.

That moment when they passed him was like heaven, I never thought something so simple could bring so much joy and a feeling that every time I think about that first cuddle could take me right back to that moment and have those feelings all over again.  The nurse took some pictures of the three of us which was lovely.  Lee had a hold although only for a short time as I wanted him back, he had spent more time with him than I had.  The nurses left us for a bit while we had some family time.  I did say to Lee right if you take him I will keep a look out and we could do a runner, he would run I would shuffle.  He said as good as an idea it was we couldn't.  And then the tears start, it's really happening we are going to hand him over, this really is happening to us.  All he could do was put his arm round us and tell me that it would be ok that everything was going to alright and that once this was done we crossed our fingers and he will be home with us in no time.  Just then the nurse came and said that the surgeon was on his way.  She told us he was one of the best. One of the best, well who is the best and why is he not doing this procedure. Only the best is good enough for our baby, not one of the best.

At 0900 a strange looking man to say the least came walking towards us and introduced himself as Mr Mark Danton (who we would later refer to as God).  A sudden feeling of dread came as he took us to a side room and sat us down about to explain what was going to happen.  He explained that Ruaidhri had a condition called Tetraolgy of Fallout's with Pulmonary Atresia. He told us that he had three out of the four of the fallout's and that the pulmonary atresia was another condition but they were both connected.  Wow so he had two things going on and not the one that we had though.  So what does this mean for him.  He explained that the procedure he was going to do was common and he had done it many time.  Ruadhri was going to have a BT shunt put in which would help the blood supply to his heart and his lungs.  Ok so now he is throwing in the lungs now as well for good measure. He drew us a picture (tried to at least)of what he heart looks like and what it is missing and where the hole was and how where the shunt would go.  This was a lot of information coming our way and all I could do was sit and nod.  Lee seemed relaxed about what was being said and seem to understand and get his head round it far better than me.  All the while he held my hand and never once let it go.  Then the bit that hit me like a brick, the part where he says like any surgery things can go wrong.  Wrong, what wait a moment you are meant to be one of the best, why are you telling me this.  You should be telling me that nothing is going to go wrong that nothing ever goes wrong and you don't make mistakes.  It's at times like this I wish I could take my ears off and put them in my pocket.  So we listened some more and then he handed Lee the papers so sign and that was it.  As I sat trying really hard but unsuccessfully not to cry Lee took my hand and kept saying it was going to alright this guy knows what he is doing. He shook our hands and left, we went back to see our little tubster and the flood gates opened. How could I stop them from taking him, how could we make him better without him going through all this. Was it really true that he really did need this to stay alive.

Then the anaesthetist came, they put gas bottles of the frame of his incubator and said that they were ready for him.  I asked that his bear stay with him and they said not a problem. They told us that we could walk down with him but we would have to stop at the theatre doors.  I felt sick, I wanted to run away, I couldn't stop the tears from pouring down my face, wasn't even much point of trying to be brave now.  Lee put his arm round me as we walked round the corner down the long corridor to theatre(which for some odd reason seems to be the coolest part of the building) then everyone stopped.  We were here we had to say good bye to our baby boy and told them to look after him and with that they took him through the double doors and we were left standing.  Lee cuddled me so hard, I didn't want to move from this spot, I wanted to wait here until he came out and it was all done.  Lee and me both stood crying.  What do we do now, how do we pass the time, he took me by the hand and we started to walk back the way we came and headed to the canteen, with yet another promise it was going to be ok...