HMFS

HMFS is short for Heart Mummies for Scotland and this is a group that was set up by a heart mum who has created something amazing.  It's a group of women who are all in a similar position and have helped me no end, and I have built some amazing friendships with these women they should never sell themselves short as they all have so much to offer, if you were to get the chance to be in a room with even just a handful of them you would see how strong and amazing they are, they certainly as a group are not a force to be messed with.

I briefly mentioned this group at the start and now is the part of my journey where they truly did help me, they also helped with the relationships with both my mum and Lee in very different way's.
It was May when I turn to these ladies for help and advice, I hoped that they would have an answer for me or even just help me to get the answer I wanted.  It wasn't a heart related post that I put it was I really did think I was going made.  I was having panic attacks, I wasn't sleeping any longer than 4 hours a night, I had to be in charge of everything and should I not be I felt my world would end and that would be that.  I was scared to open up to these ladies as I had no idea what response I would get if any at all.  My mum's view on me by this time was you need to pull yourself together and get on with things and appreciate what you have and sort yourself out or get help. If this was the advice that this women would give me then I would do just that, after all they were all going through stuff so if they could do it I would.
And with that I posted what I was feeling how rubbish I felt and that no-one understood the fears and worries I had about my little heart baby, I didn't have to wait long till someone posted and told me everything I was feeling  was normal, and other people will never get it unless it has happened to them.  Before I knew it I had all these wonderful women telling me that it's ok to do to the doctor's and say look I'm a bit on edge and that I might need some help.  Not to be afraid to say this is happening to me and I am entitled to feel the things I do. I sat and read through all the comments that these ladies had taken the time to write and all of them were positive not one of them told me I should just get on with it.  I sat and cried I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders that I wasn't a freak or the loony that everyone was telling me that I was turning into, but that I was a mum of a baby with not just a complex heart by feeding issues too, each and everyone of them had been through something similar if not the same.  I was normal after all and not needing put into a padded cell that I was starting to thing that I should.  The kindness, care and love that came from these people who didn't know me or knew what a mess I felt I was were telling me it would be ok, and that we are all here and on the same page, just trying to get through each day the best we could without it all falling apart but also being very aware of what could happen.  There was no sugar coating with these ladies, I liked that a fact was a fact and nothing else. Yet for all they were very matter of fact the positive attitude that came from each and everyone of them was amazing. Why had none of the nurses in the hospital tell me about this group at the start.  It would have been the one thing that they would have gotten right.
I managed even to find out that there were heart mum's in Falkirk, great I thought I wasn't the only one in Central Scotland that had one.  Turns out it didn't matter where you lived in Scotland and even some in England that the problems with the local hospitals and health centres where the same.  I wasn't the only one having to battle for them to get medication right.
After that day whenever I felt like I wasn't coping or had a fear about something I would go to them, I shared not just my crazy bits and fears, I shared the good things like when Ruaidhri ate his crisp and when he started to walk, they were and still are like a family.  I used to talk to my mum about what was going on with these ladies and would start to call them friends, she would listen and make comments then one day she said how can you call them friends when you don't know them..But that was the thing I did know them, I knew them better and their children than a friend who I had been friends with since high school.  When they were sad I felt it when they would share good news with would warm my heart and put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.  I loved seeing what was going on with their lives, I sometimes felt like I was stalking them, I started to get and send friend requests from them and we would have our own chats.  I told my mum she should join so that she could see just how great this group was, after a while she agreed and when I saw her after she had joined she truly was taken a back by how day to day life was for everyone, she now believed that I wasn't being a drama queen and if anything I had held back from just how hard day to life could be some times.  She was starting to understand she was starting to see that this wasn't going to go away.  I knew that she didn't want to thing of anything bad happening but she was seeing that children were going through far more than we were at the moment but that could be us at some point.  That was one of the best things I ever suggested she do.  I told her that what i said on there would be said and told her the same I wasn't going to start to hold back now, on there she wasn't my mum she was just another lady who may or may not comment. It also helped me to understand her way of thinking as well, she was watching her daughter and grandson going through this fight, I had never thought about it like that before.
As the months past I got to meet some of these ladies, at clinic appointments or if we were on the ward together. Then when Ruaidhri went for his last surgery I had told them all that I was expecting it to be a long one and they all sent their love, how long it would be I would have no idea.  They all wished the best for his recovery and some offered to come visit if they could and if I needed anything they would drop it by for me.  Such simple acts of kindness from women who had their own families to deal with.  They would all tell e how pleased they were for us when we got to bring Ruaidhri home after six weeks, they had given me strength during those six weeks when I felt like we werent getting any where or when it was two steps forward ten back.

Then came the morning that I would have to write a post that would break my heart, and I know would bring the fear back to some of the families none the less there was no easy way to say it.   I wasnt ready to tell my main fb page just yet but I had to tell these ladies, with that I told them that my happy amazing little boy had gained his wings.  Even reading it I couldnt belive it, it hadnt been expexcted and he had been dischagred with a good bill of health.  They all said how sorry they were and how shocked they were to read it.  I had some beautiful cards from them and such nice private messages from them.  They also helped Poppy one lovely amazing friend sent a guardian angel that I gave to Poppy and told her that her brother would always be with her, another came to see me and gave me the biggest cuddle ever and bought a little boy holding a golden heart.  I felt bad for making her cry..lol..Poppy now tells me every now and then that Ruaidhri had a golden heart.  The comfort that this has given her has been no end, and she still always talks about the heart mummies and tells me that she wants to write to all the heart babies when they go into hospital. They have all done such lovely acts of kindness which has helped through what was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to live through they have never turnt their backs just because I dont have a heart child any more.  They are the reason that I have decided to write this blog. They have still have such faith in me and still tell me everything will be ok, just different.  Although my heart journey has ended they still dont mind that I want to keep up to date with how their little ones get on.  Although I dont post as much on the page I know that when I do they will still be there and be the same awesome ladies that I have come to hold so close to my own heart.